seriously, i am so bad at keeping in touch.
i run around in a whirlwind all the time,
and i really feel like it's impossible to hold on to anything these days.

i'm so happy for LPV.
when i watch chris sing my heart just gets warm inside.
singing along with jimmy's lyrics gives me chills...
watching brian take pictures with cute girls,
and having people facebook stalk them...
it's unreal. (surreal, unbelievable)

what has my life come to?
i finally extracted myself out of that world...
where you see the same people at shows all the time.
and you look at someone and you go:
"oh my god that's (insert scene name here)
who i know through (insert underground band here)"
and then i find myself standing behind their merch table...
just being like...
this is the fucking life.

and i'm so proud of them for everything they've done.
i know that no matter how far they go in life,
i'll still be able to stand wherever i want.
and for them i want the world.

livejournal has died.
twitter is the new livejournal.

i am going to california in 8 days.
i am going to california in 8 days and i have nothing planned.
nothing becomes something tomorrow.

and spontaneity is the new way to be.
it's how you meet good people in good ways.
it's how you make memories.
it's how you can say that it was all worth it.
it's how things change.

the silence is numbing.
but it feels so good because its what i NEED.
i can breathe, so the can'ts aren't important.
even if i can('t) feel my toes.

i've given up on napowrimo.

i've never really been a poet,
i'm not going to try and pretend to be one any longer.

it is enough, i believe, to take a few minutes out of every day to do something that shows that i appreciate the genre:
read something
attend a reading
watch a video...
whatever it may be,
just something involving poetry.

there is no denying that i love poetry and everything that it involves.
i just...can't do it myself.
sometimes in my dreams i wish that i could find a way to express myself with poetry,
but it's just not me.

i'm just...
a writer.

a plain writer.
and that's okay with me.





ps, there is only one day left of school after this and then i get to see my friends. (although, the pot did schedule me this weekend, although i'm not sure how that happened...i am nervous nothing will be done to rectify this.)

things have calmed now and the dust
has begun to settle.
the smoke as picked up again,
but that i can see through just fine.
i am grateful for the stagnant winds
even though they still stir emotions.
i look ahead and all i see is swirls.

play me a song that will remind me of dancing
with you on a table in the middle of the room.
play me a song that will remind me of laughing
with you right before the sunrise.
play me a song that will remind me of sleeping
together in a the house that is not yours.
play me a song that will remind me of crying
because i missed my friends when you were one.
play me a song that will remind me of staying
on the weekends and having the time of my life.
play me a song that will remind me of growing
up instead of growing too old to remember your song.
play me a song that will remind me of you.

(these were written this weekend, i just didn't get to post it.)

Green laughs, but when you laugh too much,
you cry.
I cry for you as you laugh away
your life.
Life should not be a swirling
mess of haze.
Haze may cost more, but is it
worth reality?
Reality is nothing close to the price
of love.
Love me as your love your color,
green.

i haven't written in millenia. 
my nails are long, but my to-do list is longer.
i threw a baller and completely perfect surprise party for joe this weekend and he never said thank you.
i find myself continuously trying to do things to win his love - no, not even that, just his appreciation - and i get nothing.
it makes me feel...worthless. and yet, i still do it over and over again.
the kicker is, i knew he wouldn't say thank you, but i still did it anyway.
i get this sick satisfaction from doing nice things for him even though he doesn't appreciate it.
(emphasis on the sick)
i had a realization yesterday that i need to find someone that appreciates me.
one who appreciates my devotion to the people i love,
someone who finds the same things funny that i do,
a person that will hold me when i say "i don't feel well,"
just anyone in my life that gives me the same things i give to them -
someone that will at least say thank you where it's deserved.

my life is like a black hole.
i get myself into these things i know aren't good for me,
and i just can't seem to ever pull myself out.
the worst part about it all is that i am reasonable and sane enough to realize my own faults and problems,
but it will never change.
i'm just going to continue to be this way because it's how i am,
and there ain't no therapist in the world that can change it.

i'm reflecting upon how much i've grown.

being in high school again is a constant reminder of how far i've come since graduation, and even more since stepping foot inside norwalk high for the first time.

i remember being at my locker. and how freshman and sophomore year i used to hide samantha's cigarettes in my locker so that no one would find them when they searched hers. at the time i think i was too naive to realize i was really hiding her joints and other scandalous things. then, i would have cared to know that information. now, i look back and laugh and am happy that i helped out someone with their happiness. i remember when she graduated i got a new locker buddy, boris, who was adorable from the getgo and i loved having him to talk music with and laugh about the stupid goings on in the hallway. sometimes, i see him buzzing around town in his rican blue WRX and i wonder if he remembers me like i remember samantha. i wonder if he remembers me as a guiding figure in his beginning high school years to show him the ropes. i wonder who took over my locker once i left, and if boris treated him or her how sam treated me and how i treated him. i hope so, because those were good lockers, and only good things should happen there.

i remember french class and how i was so damn good at it without trying. i remember being in class with marissa and hating that she was even better at it than i was. she still is, and will be even BETTER now that she's studying in switzerland this semester. i remember mrs. doebrl and how she was probably the best teacher i've had to date. the first two years i graduated i went back to nhs to visit her and make sure she knew what an impact she had on me. i haven't seen her since, and i wonder if i went back if she would remember me. i know there are lots of students and lots of people to remember, but i'd like to believe that she won't forget me. she used to tell me what an amazing teacher i was going to be, and how i should never quit on it because the world needed people like me to reinvent education. i wonder if my determination for these types of things comes from her comments and her belief in me. it probably does, and i'm glad for it.

i remember dating bart and how he shaped my entire high school experience and pretty much the person i am today. i remember being mad for months that he wouldn't kiss me, and it makes me laugh now to think of how far he has come from being that shy little boy he started off as. i remember sneaking out during an orchestra concert and sneezing the first time we kissed for real when we weren't even dating. i remember the circles we went in, and the fact that i couldn't make up my mind how i felt about him, and it makes me wonder if i ever really will. i remember folding him notes every day and slipping them into his pockets hoping he wouldn't notice. i got them back every time and it was the only thing that kept me sane through history class, just like he was the only thing that kept me sane during life.

i remember getting drunk with jessie in her basement. i remember baileys, and how we couldn't figure out whether the chunks at the bottom of the bottle meant that it had gone bad, and how we didn't even care since it was already gone. i remember taking pictures in goofy hats and dancing around to dream street and putting our feet all over the posters on her wall. i remember her bathroom and the fact that i could never find the light and how her fan was always right in the way. i remember the smell of her basement and how i'm pretty sure that smell is the reason that i started to become a cat person. i remember going to waveny park and peeing on the rocks and trees. i remember jillian getting poison ivy in her crotch, but just close enough for it to not be intrusive. i remember coming home that night and puking for HOURS. i remember the little kid's tooth brush she gave me to get the taste out of my mouth.

i remember miss kopple's class and all the hilarious things that happened. i remember getting to know arin canbolat, and how he is STILL the coolest person i know. i remember joe arguing with her every day and be just on the brink of getting kicked out before jeff nelson said something even worse and she would forget how much she hated joe. i remember danielle weeks smoking a cigarette out of the window. i remember jeff nelson drinking out of his jack daniels bottle. i remember him spitting ABC chewing tobacco in her salad and mixing it up. and peeing in her water bottle. i remember how as a unit we sat silent getting our revenge and we were sure no one would ever say a word. i remember the day she got up on her little bench and screamed "IT'S WRITTEN IN THE CONSTITUTION" but i still can't remember why.

i remember the gift shop and the fact that we could order balloons for someone's birthday. i remember being so excited to come in to school on my birthday because i knew i had something waiting for me. i remember being excited to give the same happiness to someone else. i remember mr. couture being so unnecessarily obnoxious to everyone every time they stepped foot into there, but people still went to make others smile.

i remember orchestra trips and how mostly all of my friends played instruments, so it was just like a vacation for all of us together. i remember going on my first roller coaster and being so terrified, but getting off and ready to take on the rest of the park. i remember it rained all weekend in virginia beach so we went to play laser tag. this was the first time i met the balestriere family. i remember swimming in the pool and hearing everyone talk about how they wanted to untie jessie's bathing suit. i remember ross and jessie in bed together and how everyone made a big deal out of absolutely nothing. i remember florida and waking up in the first weigh station i've ever seen open. i remember waking joe up and having him be so angry with me because the things i get excited about do not enthrall him. not much has changed since then. i remember my first experience at sonic. i remember it sucking, and i'll never go again. i remember walking down the main boulevard and fighting for hours about where to eat and finally settling on a buffet. this is where i learned you can't go out to dinner with more than 6 people without it being a disaster. i remember joe stealing mr. graves' cigarettes and high tailing it off the bus. this was the first time i heard a teacher swear at a student. he totally deserved it. i remember the "rapist" roaming the hallways and the fact that joe was convinced he could help take him down, but at that point in his life he most definitely couldn't. i remember that disney truly was the happiest place on earth that week.

i remember junior prom and how it was so much more fun than senior prom. i remember my best friends coming even though one of them didn't go to my school and one of them wasn't in our grade. i remember how it wasn't hard at all to get my guy friends to take them. i remember my mom met jose feliciano for the first time and didn't know he was blind. she stuck her hand out to shake his hand and susan had to put his hand into his. a little later in the kitchen my mom said: "JULIE ANN, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS BLIND!" i remember not thinking i had to. i remember how i was supposed to stay at jessie's house but all hell broke lose while we were at prom. i still can't remember what we fought about. i remember watching joe dance that dance that will always remind me of an episode of the fresh prince of bell air. i remember being at senior prom and wishing it was junior prom again.

i remember the super seven and how i'll never ever ever ever forget any of them and how much of an impact they had on my life. i remember always knowing who i would be spending my weekends with. i remember all of us loving each other until things went a little crazy. i remember the day my dad came up with the name and how he always made sure that i knew how lucky i was to have the same great friends all through high school. i remember how nothing has changed, and how i still love each and every one of them.

i remember graduation. i remember how it rained all day and was supposed to keep going so they put us into the gym. i remember how while half of my family members sat at home and another bunch sat in the auditorium watching me get my diploma on the projector, the sun was shining through the windows, mocking us. i remember PGP and staying up all night watching the sunrise. i remember my parents running the poker table, and it being the first time i really appreciated how much they loved me. i remember going to kaitie's after the southport beach and having her dog steal jimmy's shoe  and then humping him. i remember how we laughed for hours even though nothing was that funny. i remember sleeping until 4 the next day and waking up to realize i had to grow up.

there's going to be a hole in my belief system for awhile. it's possible that it is an irreparable thing that will be carried with me for the rest of my life. a piece of the whole is missing now, the six has become 5 and we've lost what i think was our most important asset. i am heartbroken, and i just can't stop thinking about it.

i understand that people must do what's best for them. as bart said, people's lives take them in different directions at different times. but when you have such a huge, huge, HUGE amount of faith in someone's ability for success and they refuse to see it for themselves it is thoroughly disheartening. i am shocked, but most of all saddened that things will be different from now on. it breaks me.

i tried to repair the situation in the two best ways i know how. first, guilt. i tried to say that there's no way any of us can survive without him since there was the highest amount of hope for him. i tried to say that there was no way that i could pull through without him pulling through next to me. i tried to say that i needed him to stay in as many ways as i knew how. when that didn't work, i turned to music. i made him a cd, and making it and listening the tracks made ME feel better, so i can only hope that it will do the same. in a perfect world he will hear the melodies and change his mind. in a perfect world i will wake up tomorrow and the news i remember hearing today will be a figment of my imagination.

sadly, the world is not perfect and this whole thing isn't a dream. the world is not perfect and people can lose faith in things. the world is not perfect and my major is changed forever.

it always happens to me that a bunch of bad things happen at the same time. i always try to be a positive person, but sometimes it's just so hard to stay on top of things when the whole world is just pushing you down.

apparently my cooperating teacher hates me. i had an observation on thursday and she told my supervisor all these nasty/untrue things about me. i wonder to myself what i could have done to make her say these things about me. and even if they WERE true, why she couldn't just tell me that she felt this way herself...why did she have to tell my supervisor so that i was reflected poorly upon in my grades. i will never understand some people and how they decide to deal with certain situations. how am i dealing with THIS situation? i still haven't figure that out. my initial reaction was just to yell in her face screaming "GROW UP!"....but since i can't do that, i'm at a loss. i will be a good teacher. i will have my students love me and they will feel accepted in the world because i will give them a place to be. my supervisor says that in the meantime i have to live in her cardboard box. i have to be in HER box because this is HER warehouse and i am just a product to her. this sort of thing makes me sick because i have never been one to let anyone keep me down, and i don't know how i'm supposed to start all of this now when i am 21 years old and stubborn.

i came home this weekend to get away...i came home to see the people i love and i have seen them for 2 hours in a dark theater in silence. they spent all day doing things that didn't include me and now i am upset and rash and they are mad because of it. i cannot win, it seems. i just want to curl into a ball and go to sleep, but i am not tired. i just want to hug chris, but there are people in the way. i want to run away, but there is no place that i can go where i will feel better. i am in a bad place right now, and it seems like there's no escaping it.

i just want to make a difference somewhere, and i don't think that anyone will let me. it breaks my heart.

so, lots of things have been going on in my life since my last post. in fact, so many things that i don't even KNOW when my last post WAS.

okay --

so LPV drama, check. nothing has changed. i love chris, and since he is and always will be one of my best friends i must suck it up and support them no matter what. however, half of the people in that band could suck my nuts (if i had them) and i would consider my life a blessing witout ever having them in it again. i know it sounds harsh, but it's true. fuck them.

the most important thing in my life right now is student teaching. i love it. i love it, so much. the kids are more amazing than i could have ever imagined. i thought they were going to be misbehaved and rude, but they are so fun and so understanding to my newbie-ness. plus, 85% of them hate my co-operating teacher, ms. cabral, so they are uber nice to me just because they don't have to talk to them.

on my first day this kid jorge, who has become my little buddy, told me that i had a nice ass. ever since then, he's been my friend. not because he hit on me, but because i put him in his place and told his young little ass to get in line. now he's my spy. he tells me who does what wrong, what fights happened in the school, and what all the kids REALLY think of the work they're getting. that way, i can morph my lessons into things that they like to do. for instance, last week i gave a grammar lesson and he told me that everyone was saying that i was going to suck just like ms. cabral because i made them take such boring notes. i felt the same way, so after hearing that i promised myself i wouldn't do that to them again. so, today i gave them a grammar lesson and then i devised this unbelieveably fun game for them to play to test their understanding. it was amazing. and after class, jorge came up to me and said. "yo miss f, that rocked" and i was like YEAH! it makes me smile. and i love him. he is so my little buddy. not that i'm playing favorites.

and on the other side of the tracks of being hit on, there's this kid in mr. stiles' block 7 class, which is held in ms. cabral's room when i have prep, and he hits on my blatantly every time i need to walk in there to get something. for instance, today he started to sing the thong song. sometimes he tells me to bend over. sometimes he just says "damn girl check out that ass." it makes me uncomfortable, and what makes me even MORE uncomfortable is that mr. stiles', who ALWAYS hears him, says nothing. a few days ago i commented on it to see if he would make it stop after he knew it made me uncomfortable, and he said "boys will be boys, they hit on everything that is over the age of 20 with boobs." what was my reaction? "......." what am i supposed to say to that? mr. stiles, by the way, is never nice to me. in fact, he's downright rude. i say something and he sort of scoffs at me like i'm unimportant and trivial to his life. but he's 24 years old. he's only 3 years older than me and i think he should start being a little nicer to me since he was in my place not too long ago. i expect more from him, especially. whatever. today i got invited for drinks by joe (notice how i call HIM by his first name because he's nice to me) and he was going out with mr. stiles and he turned around and scowled at him when he invited me. i politely declined his invitation, because i am not a fool. nor do i go where i am not welcomed. i don't know what i did to him, but it is really very upsetting. and i'm going to stop talking about this because i'm just going to get all worked up. (not that i haven't already.)

so valentine's day is in a few days. as usual, this time of year just makes me feel ridiculously lonely. there was like this tiny glimmer of hope for a few days which came crashing down today. i kept telling tony that i am never optimistic because it only makes me disappointed, i wish i could take my own damn advice instead of telling him that i do that and then i obviously DON'T. anyway, everyone around me is being swept off their feet with romantic dinners and extravagent surprises and i'm just...here. well, actually, i'll just be at the melting pot. serving people and watching THEM be happy. really, in the long run, i'm probably better off. because the sharing of this commercial holiday with any certain someonew would only further complcate my life and my daily goings on. i'm sitting pretty with my situation, and i guess i should just be happy with that and stop being greedy.

i had some cloudy news in my family sector last time i went home, but i think i'm proud to report that the strong west winds have blown the clouds away from 90 william street and i think i can rest easy that i'll still have a home and a family to go home to when i graduate in may. (not that i wouldn't have a family, but...)

hm, i'm not sure i actually have anything else to say. i just really really really miss chris balestriere. like, so bad. i just...need his lovin' or i'm going to die.

i am so over all of this LPV drama.

i feel like a lot of them think that they are kings.
they think that their band is the hottest shit on the east coast,
when in reality they are amateurs.
they think that they can just sit around and treat people like dirt,
and they're going to go places.
they think they don't need help,
but they do.
they don't even respect their own fucking lead singer.
and it's like...

how can i be involved in this?
it is starting to drive me to a breakdown.
i almost started balling today because i just couldn't take it anymore.

i am just so unsure about my life right now.
and i am terrified because of it.






i am not ready for any of this.

my feelings since the last post haven't changed.
but yet, i go back to hartford tomorrow.
there are so many things that are making me dread going back,
yet i do want to be there,
because i love it.
there are just so many things that this semester means.
and i'm not ready to face any of them.

i just want to stay like i am forever,
i want to melt cheese in a pot forever.
that can just be my career,
right?

some things just really tick me off.
sometimes people do really catty, shitty things.
and they make me think:
holy shit,
i'm friends with people like this?










immature,
is what it is.
and it's funny,
because it's not like i want to be a part of it in the first place.
i'm definitely not looking forward to all of this

----------------
Now playing: Cartel - Q
via FoxyTunes    .

my break is flying by faster than lightning.
the past week of my life is blurred into what seems like only a day.
i haven't done much, but at the same time i've done everything.
i miss my roommates,
but the thought of going back to school is terrifying me.
i'm going to hartford tomorrow to meet with my cooperating teacher.
holy shit.
in 15 days i will be teaching a real classroom...
and there's nothing that i can do to stop this from happening except drop the fuck out.
definitely not.

in the social sphere of my life i really have nothing to complain about.
problems with the band were worked out and ended in a way i never imagined.
they are blessed to have such an understanding person in their lives.
it still breaks my heart.

joey has been so helpful recently,
that i can't think of anything to complain about for once.
this morning when i said that to my mother she said:
that only means you're in the eye of the storm again.
she's probably right,
but in the meantime i'm welcoming the break from chaos.

a certain person has recently been rubbing me the wrong way.
i'm telling myself it is just a phase and i will get over it soon.
i will force myself to spend time with them anyway.

in a bunch of places, i'm pretty sure i've lost my best friend.
maybe i shouldn't have spoken so soon when i said the friends i have now were forever.

----------------
Now playing: Britney Spears - Unusual You
via FoxyTunes   

okay today was/is a disaster.
so many bad things keep happening.

aside for those things,
which i refuse to dwell upon for now,
even with my C in capstone i still have a 3.33...
so, that's cool.
and i went to the pot with ivy and it was delish.
we hung out afterwards.
and my necklace got fixed today by the hot jeweler.
but,
i'm going to be honest...

so many things are making me sad.
so i'm just going to go to sleep.
so i prevent myself from crying.

(this is a great song:)
----------------
Now playing: Britney Spears - Unusual You
via FoxyTunes